I was asked recently to guest on my friend Mia Ali’s online retreat supporting folk to feel calm in the run up to Christmas. She asked me to talk about how to stay out of the family drama over Christmas and to do a spot of EFT to process some of that grrrr, argh, head explosion that can come with all the pressure of having to have a phenomenally awesome time each December.

So I chose to talk about rules. And specifically about rule books.

What’s all that about then?

We’ve all got a rule book filled with ‘dos and ‘don’ts’ we have consciously and subconsciously picked up during our journey through life. Some are more of the surface-level ones we are aware of like – ‘fake Christmas trees are awful’ or ‘the tree doesn’t go up until mid December’.

Or harder, more ingrained rules, which we have often inherited, might include ‘my children must always be quiet and polite around grown ups’ or ‘it is this person in the household’s job to do the hoovering’ which only show up when someone breaks one and you feel discomfort.

At Christmas this might look like ‘Christmas is a happy time so we must all look happy even if we aren’t feeling it’ or ‘arguments are too uncomfortable so we must never have them’.

And it’s these harder to spot things which get in the way of our relationships. Rule books aren’t anyone else’s business if we use them to build our self-awareness, gently question where the rules come from and update the rules if they no longer serve us.

But everyone’s rule books are different, because they are based on the very very different life experiences we have all had. And once we start judging others on our rules, uh-oh – that’s when the tensions arise.

So, in our house we have a limit on sugar intake because none of us do well on it. That’s a rule learnt the hard way. That’s fine. The minute I start judging you for starting Christmas day with a bag of Haribo Tangfastics, that becomes not ok. Because who am I to say that isn’t the PERFECT way to start Christmas?

It isn’t for us. But it might be for you.

Some rules really don’t actually matter that much – who REALLY cares what anyone else’s Christmas tree looks like or whether you’ve scoffed an entire sweet aisle before breakfast?

But some really do – like I want my children to know it’s their choice if they hug Auntie Barbara – and then deciding in advance what your boundary is, and how you’re going to communicate that, will serve you well, (remembering that Auntie Barbara has a different rule book to you, which may be outdated, but doesn’t make her a bad person.)

So if you want to stay out of the family drama, remember you’re going to be invited to a lot of arguments over the festive period. When extended families get together your rules may well get trampled, and you’ll need to be clear about your boundaries. And you have choices about whether you show up to those arguments or not.

If in doubt, tap. I’ll be sharing some short EFT taps on Instagram or LinkedIn, to support you over the festive period.

And remember that I have lots more resources to support you with whatever is going on – why not it explore more right here.

Which rules do you hold about how Christmas should be? Which of your rules do you judge others by? What could you choose to let go of this month?

Wishing you exactly the December you need (and who am I to say what that looks like, right?)